We here at The Malcontent were shocked — shocked! — that the Good People at Bob Jones University have removed the letter from university president Bob Jones to President Bush from its place of prominence on the BJU website.
Could it be that the rabid tone of intolerance against non-Christians was embarassing even for BJU’s faithful?
Perhaps the text of the letter itself (reproduced here in lovely green) bears some clues as to why it has been banished from sight. (The Malcontent has interleaved the patented Malcontent satirical comments in non-green italics, for your convenience.)
Dear Mr. President:
The media tells us that you have received the largest number of popular votes of any president in America’s history. Congratulations!
Admittedly, it was the second smallest margin of victory ever, second only to the 2004 election. But, don’t you worry your empty little head about it! Who’s Daddy’s Little Failure? You are! Yes, you are!
In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn’t deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism. You have been given a mandate. We the people expect your voice to be like the clear and certain sound of a trumpet. Because you seek the Lord daily, we who know the Lord will follow that kind of voice eagerly.
The Pagans have an agenda? What’s next? The Anarchists will form a exclusive social club for tea parties?
And the whole “voice like a trumpet” thing? Don’t worry about it–we all know you can barely speak coherently under the best of circumstances. Just try not to use any curse words, unlike that potty-mouthed Dick Cheney. Even his name is a little dirty.
Plus, Dick once referred to BJU as “Lewinsky College.” We don’t get it, but we bet it is not polite. He is a bad role model. No wonder the Lord has seen fit to give him a bum ticker.
Don’t equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you.
Sorry, we didn’t mean to use a big word like equivocate. However, we are sure that whoever it is in the White House who reads things to you will be able to explain it during “storytime.”
We here at The Malcontent thought the liberals despised you because you are an incompetent, small-minded, mean-spirited, incurious, warmongering religious zealot with delusions of grandeur and no sense of humor. But if those pesky liberals are down on Jesus too, that’s not cool.
Had your opponent won, I would have still given thanks, because the Bible says I must (I Thessalonians 5:18). It would have been hard, but because the Lord lifts up whom He will and pulls down whom He will, I would have done it. It is easy to rejoice today, because Christ has allowed you to be His servant in this nation for another presidential term. Undoubtedly, you will have opportunity to appoint many conservative judges and exercise forceful leadership with the Congress in passing legislation that is defined by biblical norm regarding the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government. You have four years—a brief time only—to leave an imprint for righteousness upon this nation that brings with it the blessings of Almighty God.
Sure, I Thessalonians 5:18 says give thanks. But what about Austin 3:16? That’s right, John Kerry, take that!
Thanks go out from The Malcontent to Dr. Bob for reminding Dubya that he is JC’s servant and not The Man Himself, if you know what we mean.
And when Dr. Bob says all that stuff about “the family, sexuality, sanctity of life, religious freedom, freedom of speech, and limited government”? He means no sodomy. And he’s serious.
Christ said, “If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my father honour” (John 12:26).
Wow! With all the following and leading, it sounds like a crazy conga line. Whoo-hoo! Just like the good old days at DKE. Man, good times. We know, Mr. President, we miss beer and blow too.
The student body, faculty, and staff at Bob Jones University commit ourselves to pray for you—that you would do right and honor the Savior. Pull out all the stops and make a difference. If you have weaklings around you who do not share your biblical values, shed yourself of them. Conservative Americans would love to see one president who doesn’t care whether he is liked, but cares infinitely that he does right.
Oh, I think we’re all praying for the President, even the atheists. As for weaklings, do they mean Colin Powell? Or Ashcroft? What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks, the smart ones are all going to flee the rat-infested vessel that is your Administration anyhow–before the skeletons start popping out of the closets left and right.
Boy, if conservative Americans would “love to see one president who doesn’t care if he is liked,” are you their man or what?!? They must be ecstatic.
Best wishes.
Sincerely your friend,
Bob Jones III
President
BJIII:lw
PS: A few moments ago I read this letter to the students in Chapel. They applauded loudly their approval.
Man, they didn’t even think Dr. Bob could read, much less write. How excited they must all be!
When I told them that Tom Daschle was no longer the minority leader of the Senate, they cheered again.
They were just happy to learn that there would still be elections. Especially after last time.
On occasion, Christians have not agreed with things you said during your first term. Nonetheless, we could not be more thankful that God has given you four more years to serve Him in the White House, never taking off your Christian faith and laying it aside as a man takes off a jacket, but living, speaking, and making decisions as one who knows the Bible to be eternally true.
“Living, speaking, and making decisions as one who knows the Bible to be eternally true”? Well, sure, except for the parts on compassion, humility, sobriety, responsibility, tolerance, love, and charity. Everyone knows those parts ain’t right.
Nope. We got nothin’. Why would you want to take something like that off your website?